The past four days I’ve been a crazy basketcase of emotions. My days have consisted of laying on the couch, struggling to be OK to work, and barely eating. When my stomach first started bothering me Thursday morning, I was excited. I know how wrong that sounds, but the disordered thoughts side of me knew this was an “opportunity” to lose weight and not have to worry about food. You can imagine how humbling it was to step on the scale this morning and see that my weight had increased. I gained weight…seriously?! Initially, my disordered thoughts came in full-force, beating myself up because I didn’t eat healthy enough; I shouldn’t have eaten that pizza and those Oreo’s; I should’ve gone on a walk. But then I stepped back and forced myself to think rationally, like a normal person. So what if I gained 2 pounds? Weight fluctuates all the time, especially depending on the time of day you weigh yourself. I’m probably storing a lot of water weight since I haven’t been sweating at all. It could be due to a crazy amount of muscle gain from working out on the couch 😉 Okay maybe not. But in the scheme of life, seriously what does a two pound difference make? Not much I tell you.
As I’ve shared before, a day off of running or working out was a day of hell for me. Over the past 6 months, I weaned myself out of that thinking and was able to take a healthy, mindful day off once a week for rest and recuperation. Four days off, on the other hand, was unheard of. Guess what! I just took four days off, and I’m alive and (somewhat) well! Taking time off won’t kill me, it won’t make me fat, it won’t make me feel disgusting. Despite some leftover minor stomach issues, my body feels so new and I have never craved a good workout like I am right now.
My body likes to move. I can’t sit through an entire movie without getting up and moving, so laying down for four days straight was a toughie. It was also humbling. I realize now how much I take exercise and fitness for granted. It’s crazy how I automatically assume that each day I’ll wake up and be able to go to the gym, when in reality that might not always be the case. Luckily, my sickness is (hopefully) temporary and I’ll be back on my feet and treating my body right again; for some that’s not to their fortune.
I won’t lie-I still obsess over exercising. Often I’ll find myself feeling very anxious over exercise, fearing I won’t “do enough” at the gym or I’ll miss a body part or something. I don’t like being in a place where working out and eating comes before my other priorities-like God, my friends, and my family. As easy as it is to hide that on the outside, on the inside I still struggle with this prioritization. Since exercise hasn’t been a viable option for me the past week, it’s been a major wake-up call to redirect my attention to where it needs to be. I might not always be able to work out my body how I want it to, so I need to stop relying on that to be my saving grace.
As hard as it’s been to do nothing while still eating (and not being able to “burn off” calories), it’s taught me a lot and reminded me of some truths I desperately needed to be reminded of. A huge one: when my body is asking for rest, give it to it; I had to practice what I preach. In my past, I would’ve been outside in the 100-degree heat running, in spite of my fever and my stomach bug. This time around, I knew I needed rest to get better-not a run.
The scale scared me this morning, but the scale isn’t what I define my life by anymore. I’m striving to not allow that beast to define my day, how I see myself, and my worth. Friends, the scale isn’t a death sentence, and nothing it tells you is permanent.
Fingers crossed, I’ll be going to the gym in a few hours. It’ll be tough to find a balance between getting a workout without working too hard since I’m not feeling 100% yet. My intentions aren’t to lose those two pounds or reshape a certain problem area. I want to feel my heart pumping, I want to sweat, and I want to move! Pray that it goes well and that my thoughts don’t sway over to the dark side.
BTW-who else is SUPER excited for this to come out? I definitely have my ticket for the premiere already. Call me a nerd-I’m damn proud of it!
Pessimism becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The good news is — optimism does too. Since you’re free to choose, choose success and happiness. Choose optimism! — Author Unknown