Wishing & Wasting

Don’t you love brother sister dates?  I figure if I can’t get a real date, might as well spend time with the main man in my life!

Just kiddinnnn this is main man #2.  Who I was reunited with after two gruesomely long weeks.  Pure bliss.

Break me off a piece o dat!

We ventured out to a developing, high-end strip mall area with cute little cafe’s, restaurants, boutiques, and salons.

We had one thing on our mind, and one thing only: SALAD.

They build your salad for you (and by build I mean mix, a tough job right?) but you pick all the goodies you want on it and they have great quality veggies and meats to spruce up lettuce.

Mine consisted of spinach and romaine, black beans, beets, carrots, cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, sliced almonds, cauliflower, sugar snap peas, and brussel sprouts.  The dressing I got made the salad worth it.  Sun-dried tomato vinaigrette…hello salsa.  And the bread.  Ohhhh the bread, carbs carbs carbs!

**********

“To dream of the person you wish to be is to waste the person you are.”
Author Unknown

“I wish I didn’t have to worry about food and exercise 22/7.”
“I wish I wasn’t the girl with ‘eating disorders’”.
“I wish I looked like her, talked like that person, had the confidence of that lady, had her hair, didn’t have these lovehandles, could eat without guilt…” and the list goes on and on. 

Yeah, I like a few things about myself (a feat that didn’t come easy), but I’m also constantly striving to be someone I’m not.

I really do wish I didn’t have to deal with the disgusting ED thoughts that still try to enter my mind on an hourly basis.  Even though I’ve learned to accept my body and love my body, I still sometimes wish I didn’t have ‘this little chunk of fat’ here and there.  But it goes beyond my body.  I find myself wishing I had a different personality-that I was more outgoing, in particular.  That I could walk into a room and not be afraid to talk to people I don’t know.  To feel comfortable in uncomfortable social situations and be the person that can make anyone feel at ease.

I wish I were musically talented.  If only I had a good singing voice, life would be easier. 
I wish I had been fast enough to earn a cross-country scholarship. 
I wish I knew what I was going to do with my life like every single other person seems to know. 

This quote shook me up a bit.  I mean, I know I’ve wasted tons of time scheduling my life at the command of my disordered thoughts.  But so much time has been wasted wishing I had this or that character trait.  “If only I was more outgoing, I could have a distinct plan for my life and have the courage to achieve every listed goal.” Um what?  Does that even make sense?  But this is what rolls through my little ol’ mind on a daily basis. I’ve chalked up so much of my fear in life to ‘not having the right personality’.

The truth is, just because I’m not outgoing doesn’t mean I’m a nobody.  OUTGOING is the personality I strive for and envy others for, but some people want GENTLE, some want PATIENT, some want LOVING.  There’s that one (or two or three) personality traits that you always want, and as much as you try to acquire it, it ain’t eva gon happen.

 Psalm 100:3 “Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.”

 Isaiah 43:1 “But now, this is what the LORD says–he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”

 Isaiah 43:7 “everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.”

The Bible-what I claim to base my life and my beliefs on-tells me that God made me.  Is it really that simple though?  I’ve only been hearing that for the past 18 years…yet here I am still struggling to live it out.

I’ve tried the whole “if you put yourself down once, you have to tell yourself three nice things in return that you like about yourself.”  I love it.  I think it works.  But truth works so much better, and gives a peace that lasts much longer than empty self-affirming words.

God…the God who created the freaking universe made me? ME?!  It wasn’t a coincidence, it wasn’t like he forgot to switch on my personality switch.  Nope, I was crafted exactly the way I am-personality and body-for a specific reason.

So if God made me this way for a reason, why oh why oh why do I want to be someone else?  That’s not my place in this story to fill.  I don’t want to waste more time throwing a pity party over my “lack-ofs”.  I want to LIVE!  I want to be the person I’m meant to be, even if that means I have to be awkward shy.  Maybe I’m shy, but I love people.  I’m patient, I’m kind, I’m smart, I want to make a difference, I care about people no matter who they are or where they come from.  I want to focus on the blessings that have been poured out on me instead of wishing for more blessings, ya hear?!

I’m still traveling on the self-recovery road.  The physical aspect gets easier every day, yet there’s still the feelings of inadequacy that have to be dealt with, and I plan on beating them…no, conquering them.

 

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Wishing & Wasting

  1. First off, that salad idea is awesome! I love creating my own. Fun day with brosef.

    Second off, you are BEAUTIFUL! I know we can all relate to what you have felt about wishing you had something that you don’t. I constantly wish I was taller, slimmer, smarter..but you know as well as I do that wishing gets us no where. I love your idea of telling yourself three nice things. Although I may not be tall, slender, or a braniac..I am funny (so I tell myself), kind, and have goals. It’s true for everything you wish you could change, someone else is wishing they could have one of your personality or physical traits.

    Plus, if everyone were the same..the world would be a tragic place! Your personality and looks set you apart from the mainstream of other people. =)

    • THANKS girl I’m so glad I’m not the only one who feels this way more often than normal. It’s just a matter of embracing the things that make us unique and cherishing them. And try the 3 things-it really does help!

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