Losing Control

BACHELORETTE TIME.  This may be the lowest I stoop down to, but I’m dang proud of it!  I don’t watch TV often, but when I do, it’s either go big or go home.  Is it okay that I vicariously date all of these guys through Ashley?

I really like a man that’s not ashamed to cry, so after leaning towards JP for most of the season, I’m officially converting my love to Ben F.  Sensitivity is key, and after all that he’s been through, he seems to have everything together and is such a stronghold for his family. Really…why can’t there be guys like this in real life?

Now that I’m done sounding like a 5th grade girl with a Backstreet Boys crush, let’s move on to more important things!

**********

Yesterday, I found out some pretty rough news.  Over the past year, thanks to a certain friend (ahem ED) that entered my life, I gradually isolated myself from people, even my closest friends.  I ended up extremely alone, yet I convinced myself to be OKAY with that because it was so much easier not to feel anything.  With every relationship, there’s hurt and struggles, and my mind was so crazy and self-absorbed that I didn’t want to feel any of that.

As I recover, I want to feel again.  I hesitate to dig deeper in friendships and even begin friendships because I know the pain that can possibly accompany them.  This goes back to the whole ‘not living’ thing though.  Instead of routine, comfort, and scheduling where I can control everything, I want to have FUN, learn about people, establish life-long relationships.  But having fun also means getting ‘off schedule’, going out to eat and not having a healthy option, staying out late, and maybe not being able to exercise in a day. OH MY.

But I look back on the past year and honestly have zero good memories.  My only memories are staying home by myself on a Saturday night, going to the gym, and studying.  Ummm those are not memories I want to share with my kids!

So hurting is something I haven’t experienced in a while, because I managed to train myself to block everyone and everything out of my capacity to feel.  Initially yesterday, I lost my appetite.  I could barely finish my lunch when I received the big news, which surprised me because back in the bad good ol’ days, FOOD would have been my bffffffff.

And a few hours later, food tried to be my bff.  I was super tempted to indulge in a bunch of chocolate (which I don’t condemn at all), cookies, apple cake…you get the picture.  Indulging is good when your mind is in the right place.  But I was seeking satisfaction and comfort from food, which is not the healthiest way to approach it.

There was NO way I was going to let those thoughts overtake me and persuade me because I’ve come way too dang far to go back to square one.  With prayer and just taking a second to stop and breathe before running to the pantry, I was able to resist the comfort of food.  I also had to resist the temptation to not eat (yes, both extremes are very contradictory, and for some reason I turn to both of them!).  Portion control and healthy, whole foods were my friend last night.  Oh, and a cupcake.  I realize that food isn’t fixing anything, so why let it win?

Yes, I’m in a funk this morning.  I’m not super interested in doing anything but laying around.  Emotions can’t get in the way of reason, so I plan on still striving to eat healthy (and not too much, not too little), going to the gym later on, and remembering that God is in control.  He’s in control of the situation AND my desire to turn to or away from food.  This has been such a great reminder that as much as I try, I can’t control my life.  It’s not in my hands.

“Strange and difficult indeed
We may find it,
But the blessing that we need 
Is behind it.”

K that’s enough deepness for the next month.  Enjoy your Tuesday for me while I make coffee for caffeine-deprived people all day!

 

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3 Comments

Filed under ED thoughs

3 responses to “Losing Control

  1. All I can say is well done for digging deep and trusting in the Lord 🙂 I dealt with that same isolation, it can be so frustrating to have to mend relationships that were once perfectly normal. You can make it through sista, I know it!! By the way, love that pic with the Mark Twain quote 🙂

  2. Hmm, Leaving the crying guys aside , I know what you’re talking about , exactly what you’re talking about in fact. Seems to me , you’ve almost come out of the other end. I think …it’s key to never look back , because ,admit it , over that period , the lessons you’ll have learnt from mistakes you’ve made will be minimal , seeing as you’ve stuck to a schedule so rather than let remembering the waste of time get you down , move on.

  3. Great post! I know it is hard to open up to others and have the possibility of being hurt but it is SO much better than isolation!

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