While I’m waiting

I’m not completely done with the process of recovery, but the past eight months have been a steady incline out of that dark world.  I’ve said before that God deserves all of the credit for pulling me out of the messy life I made for myself; I’ll stick to that belief til the day that I die.

As I gained back my sanity and my personality, friends/a boyfriend/adventure/change were on my mind and I was ready to get back in the saddle of life.  I understood why I didn’t have all of that during the first steps of my recovery-it wasn’t something I could handle and I wasn’t ready emotionally.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still plenty of bad days.  Fat days.  I’m 100% positive their reoccurrence will diminish over the years to come but they do still come with a vengeance.  For the most part though, I’m better.  (I hope I don’t jinx myself by saying that.)  No more restriction lists.  No more guilt 24/7.  No more saying no to food that I didn’t prepare.

Now that I’m at that place, I’ve kinda been like HEY GOD I’M READY. Bring on the friends! Bring on the boy! Bring on the travel and the study abroad opportunities!  I have felt ready to handle all of that for about a month now, yet here I am still waiting for all of that to magically appear.  I’ve already wasted two years, why should I have to wait any longer?

And then I read this this morning – Wastelands

There are dry, fruitless, lonely places in each of our lives, where we seem to travel alone, sometimes feeling as though we must surely have lost the way. What am I doing here? How did this happen? Lord, get me out of this!

He does not get us out. Not when we ask for it, at any rate, because it was He all along who brought us to this place. He has been here before–it is no wilderness to Him, and He walks with us. There are things to be seen and learned in these apparent wastelands which cannot be seen and learned in the “city”–in places of comfort, convenience, and company.

God does not intend to make it no wasteland. He intends rather to keep us–to hold us with his strength, to sustain us with his sure words–in a place where there is nothing else we can count on.

“God did not guide them by the road towards the Philistines, although that was the shortest…God made them go round by way of the wilderness towards the Red Sea” (Ex 13:17,18 NEB).

Imagine what Israel and all of us who worship Israel’s God would have missed if they had gone by the short route–the thrilling story of the deliverance from Egypt’s chariots when the sea was rolled back. Let’s not ask for shortcuts. Let’s keep alert for the wonders our Guide will show us in the wilderness.

-Elisabeth Elliot (found here)

It was a beautiful reminder that the past two years wasn’t a waste and this waiting period doesn’t have to be wasted either.  I didn’t come out of it learning nothing-it changed me as a person for the better.  Yes it took longer than I would’ve liked to get out of that darkness, but it did happen. Does it make it easier to keep on waiting around for my wish list to happen? Nope. But it does make waiting easier because I know my life and my joy is in the hands of an awesome God who loves me and has my best interests at heart.

Just some food for thought:

Plain greek with Kashi, honey, golden raisins

Sweet potato with maple syrup & flax, fresh corn off the cob, steamed broccoli with mustard

Late-night baked apple pie oatmeal, with a side of peanut butter jar just in case

This morning's pre-workout breakfeast - Kashi, Fiber One golden squares, raisins, protein powder, flax, almond milk!

PS my first homemade nut butter!

Question:  Ever felt like you’ve had to wait *too long* for something good to happen?
What was the best part of your weekend! 


“It is strange that the years teach us patience; that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting.” – Elizabeth Taylor




Filed under Daily Eats, ED thoughs

19 responses to “While I’m waiting

  1. Brittany @ Itty Bits of Balance

    Although going through hard periods in life are tough, its important to remember that ultimately those are the moments that change us for the better. I’m so glad that you are able to realize all of this on your own.
    With God by your side, girl, you can achieve anything 🙂

    By the way, maple syrup & sweet potato? BRILLIANCE ❤

  2. Love this girl! God is the light out of the darkness and I’m so glad to know His love and power, without it, I’d be six feet under for sure. He’s made you a stronger person through all of this and I personally think you’re an amazing inspiration for fellow recoverees. Thanks for an amazing post to start my day off right! Oh and I’m totally drooling over that pre workout brekkie mmm!! 😀

  3. I love this! You are such an amazing person and an inspiration to me. Thank you so much for all your deep insightful posts 🙂 It really helps me a lot.
    Loving your eats 🙂 Sweet potato is always a win for me

  4. I love this soo much. It makes so much sense. I’ve always struggled with why God would let me go through so much pain, but that quote that you shared really struck a chord. Our struggles aren’t wasted. It’s so freeing to know that.

    And all your food pics look so delish. Make me a bowl of Apple Pie Oatmeal? 🙂

  5. Oh, you have come such a long way! It makes me so happy to read this! And I have no doubt that friends, boyfriend and LIFE will come to you before you know it ❤
    I have been lucky enough to keep my friends close even during hard times. But I have never been able to meet a boy. Or, I meet them, but Im too afraid of scaring them away with my crazy eating. And I always feel too ugly for them, too fat, too un-funny etc.. I have been working a lot on this, and i hope hope hope that someday soon my prince will come 😉 I hope that for both of us- you deserve it!

  6. It’s easy for me to say that the time that I suffered from an eating disorder were a waste — I hardly remember anything about it to tell you the truth. I think everything is so fuzzy because all I cared about was food for one thing, so nothing spectacular sticks out, and because my body had to focus on survival so things are foggy from that time. Still, I’ve learned so much and come so far, just like you. We can keep getting better though. I don’t know if it’s possible to be fully recovered, but I want to get as close as possible!

    • Agreed! I’m really hoping that full recovery is possible, because I don’t want to be in a retirement home STILL thinking about all of that crap! So I’m positive we will get better..100000%!

  7. Great post, Haley! I remember resenting my ED and all that it took from me for so long, but I truly believe that things happen for a reason, and that my ED was actually a blessing in disguise. I definitely came out of it a better and more confident person than I was when I was going into it, and the process of recovery taught me so much about myself and about life in general. There’s no use regretting things that happened in the past, because we can’t go back and change them, but we CAN take the positives and continue to learn and grow. Everything comes in due time. Just have faith and patience 😀

  8. Great post Haley! My disordered eating has taken away so much of my life, and I get really pissed when I think about it. But all we can go is just keep thinking ahead and all of the stuff we have to look forward to now!
    P.s. all of your eats looks like…utterly perfect 🙂

  9. Beautiful post! I’ve felt like that ‘waiting too long for something good to happen’. But what I didn’t realize was during this period of waiting you miss out on the things that are right in front of you 🙂

    • SO true..that’s one of my biggest regrets is missing out on so so much that was right in front of my face, but I failed to see it because my thoughts were so focused on the eating issues.

  10. I can totally relate to this 100%! I’m currently reading Sacred Singleness by Leslie Ludy because the whole “waiting for a boy” thing was starting to make me really miserable! It’s such a good book, and it’s put a new perspective on my waiting period!

  11. You are AMAZING Haley!!! You will TOTALLY get through this!! Thank you for sharing that beautiful reading too! It’s amazing how far you’ve come and your eats look to DIE for!! 😀

    Have a GREAT day girl!! ❤

  12. You’ve come so far and I’m sure there’s a ton of amazing opportunities for you right around the corner. I too feel like I’ve wasted years of my life, but at the same time I learned so much, found new interests, and grew as a person. Bad times are needed to truly appreciate the good ones, I suppose.

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