Category Archives: ED thoughs

Joy & Healing

Good morning friends!  How was the start to the weekend last night?!  Hope you were able to take some time off from school/work to relax and refresh.  I spent my night going to ring dunks and midnight yell [don’t ask] and am ready to get in some shopping today for my cardio 😉 as a reward for pwning my interviews yesterday.  I’m SO glad yall are all on the carb-overdose-before-bed train with me…and like some of you said, it does make me sleep harder and longer.  Win for everyone.

Speaking of carbs, breakfast was a simple bowl of cereal-Kashi Crunch, Multigrain Cheerios, cinnamon, flaxseed with coconut milk, with a side of strawberries [out of the container, no less]

So this topic doesn’t directly have to do with health and fitness, but I want to hear your thoughts!  It’s been on my heart all week, but I’ve been putting it off because of school and pure laziness.

Both my ED days and being in college has made me extremely selfish, as I’m sure many of you can relate.  It’s all about when I want to eat, when I want to go to bed/wake up, when I need to study, when I need to do this and do that.  If what I’m doing fits into your schedule, then great, we can hang out.  But if not then sucks to suck.  [It even bothers me how much I say “I” on the blog]

“When we live self-centered lives, we are denied the joy of delighting in others.”

As of right now, I would say that I’m 95% healed from an ED.  I thought it would be a walk in the park if I could just get over that hill, but what followed was severe depression and anxiety.  Which is still self-centered, focusing on my problems, my sadness, my lack of hope.

“Nobody should seek his own god, but the good of others.” – 1 Corinthians 10:24

Coming back to school, I was still at the bottom of all bottoms, and was ready to take on counseling and medicine so I could get back to ‘normal’ (whatever that is) and move forward.  I’m open about my faith on my blog because I know that God is the only reason I’m alive and thriving and healthy today.  I couldn’t have healed myself through my own power.  Yet things aren’t always bright and dandy in the faith area either.  It’s been a struggle to go to church on a weekly basis and to try to get involved in something Christian-oriented on campus because well, I just haven’t been feelin it.

But this is why God is so so cool. Every morning when I hesitantly open my bible, every sermon I’ve heard, comments from friends have all been directing me towards the same thing – focus on others. Not as a distraction from my own ‘problems’ but because there is serious joy to be found in being a shoulder for someone and praying over someone who needs it more than I do.

My focus is always down at myself, but when I lift my eyes and look at the people walking by me on campus, my roommates, strangers at the gym, I can see the hurt in their lives as well.  I can’t fix whatever they’re going through…I know that God can though.  Simply praying for other peoples’ hearts instead of my own has brought enough joy in and of itself.  It’s incredible how doing things for other people-even if it’s just asking how their day was or an unnoticed prayer-can make all the difference.

Every organization I’ve joined in college has been to further my social life and my resume.  So I dropped everything I was involved in the past two years and joined Global Justice-which is a small group of students who sincerely want to bring attention to social injustices around the world.  Talk about taking the focus off of myself.  I get so caught up in my little bubble of nothingness that I forget to notice hardships people face all over the world.  Taking the focus off of yourself brings healing, in whatever way you need to be healed.

If you need a little inspiration, I suggest you go here and read about the war going on in the Congo and the desire to bring kid soldiers out of that environment and into love, education, and healing.  It’s not about comparing problems with another person, it’s about feeling someone else’s hurt and realizing whatever you’re going through isn’t the end of the world. There is  joy to be found through being there for someone else.

[I’ll definitely be talking alot about Falling Whistles in the weeks to come.  I had never heard of it before last week, yet it’s been on my heart x294948 so be readdddaaayyyy.]

“But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?” -1 John 3:17

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Sorry for such a wordy and confusing post!  Enjoy your Saturday (especially if football is involved) and say a little prayer for a stranger today.  Be on the lookout for the joy that comes with that 😀

What organization or non-profit really tugs at your heart? For me, anything that supports oppressed kids makes me want to go adopt them all. 
What are your weekend plans?
Shopping, lots of studying, bonding with the roomie
Does shopping count as cardio?  
Yes it is.  Don’t tell me it isn’t.  

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Filed under College, Daily Eats, ED thoughs, Life

Sunsets & Mr. Snowman

“From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised.” – Psalm 113:3

If anything can turn a bad day around, it’s getting to sit outside in 75 degree weather and look at that while studying.  Thank you Starbucks, for providing a patio for me.

Over the past year, good days were a serious treat.  Having a bad day was the norm.  It’s funny how disordered eating doesn’t just affect your body, or your thoughts revolving around food.  Atleast for me, it hit me in every area of my life.  My attitude was negative just about 105% of the time in every single aspect.

It is possible for things to take a turn for the better; it is possible to go from completely hopeless to having nothing but hope.  That’s what I hold onto when the bad days come, because now they are the rare occurrences.  Now that I’m attuned to the world once again and can see the good things in life, God is constantly showing me things when I need them.  After having a not so great day, all he had to do was paint the sky.  Whether it’s that, or a smile, or a good conversation, things go back to good…always.

And you know the best way to start off a good day is to stare down a snowman filled with coffee.

Forget fall..I want winter NOW. Chocolate peppermint > pumpkin.

And even though my pancakes were an utter disaster this morning, a good day is still possible.  [even though breakfast does make or break a day 😉 ]

Thanks KIRSTYN for my favorite HP plate !

I now understand the importance of eggs while baking.  I used my new brown rice protein powder that I received from Swanson Health Products, and loved the flavor of these!  I’d like to use it in a successful recipe before posting a review, so  that will be sooner rather than later.  Working on my procrastination addicting starting now.

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What is the weather like where you are?!  I’m lovingggg now sweating buckets walking to class-the weather has been no less than perfect!

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Filed under College, Daily Eats, ED thoughs, Life

I put mayonnaise & butter on my cornflakes y’all!

Phew, I survived my first day of classes…not that there was much to survive through.  There was alot of this:

Reading and snackage.  And not a whole lotta work.  Done at 1:30?  Yes please. Although I know later in the semester the afternoons will be reserved for study time and such, it was nice to come straight home, prop my feet up and relax.

Besides the dogs peeing multiple times on our new carpet, and waking up super early only to  realize I didn’t actually have a class at 8:00 AM, the morning started off swell:

Enough about school.  On Saturday, I was able to go to a private pastry-making class where I learned all the dirty tricks and tips that real bakers live by.  Thank you Sur la Table!

Personal apple pies (fall, come now), blackberry & nectarine galettes, and macadamia nut brittle were on the menu and in my tummy.

macadamia nut brittle - reminds me of Christmas

the galette - SUPER DELICIOUS

We learned to make the perfect pie dough and made all of our goodies from the same recipe.  The class definitely peaked my interest in baking professionally even more.  I’ll be posting the pie dough recipe soon because everyone needs to try it.  It might rock your world.

Naturally I have to [quickly] relate this back to recovery. 😉

1) Butter is not only OKAY but it is GOOD.  Give me olive, coconut, sunflower seed oil, but don’t touch me with a stick of butter.  I don’t even remember the last time I cooked with butter-sad!  Sometimes you have to go all out and have the real thing (in small quantities of course).  Besides, butter is what makes the consistency and flavor of real pastries so perfect.  I realized it’s time to get over my incessant fear of using that creamy substance because we used a boat load. My homegirl Paula Deen would have been proud.

2) The class interrupted my mid-afternoon snack.  Crazy right?!  I snuck a bag of kettle corn in from home just in case, but how disgusting would it be if I was shoveling food down my throat and then digging my fingers into a community pastry?  I started feeling faint, fungry, and famished…which got me thinking…how in the world did I ever live like that on a daily basis?  How did I survive while denying my body food?  There are still days when I’m tempted to eat less or not at all, but that was a huge wake up call.  It. was. miserable. to not have food in mah belly!

Butter is good.  Food is good.  

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Do you cook with butter a lot?  
Favorite kind of pie?  Cinnamon apple or sweet potato pie.  Ohmygosh I can’t wait for the holidays.

 

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Filed under Baking, Blogging, ED thoughs

What you are is what you think

“A man is what he thinks about all day long.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quotes that make you rethink your life are the shizzznettttttt.  Sometimes I’ll Google quotes and just sit and read.  People are so wise!

I’ve been putting off a post about why I don’t want to be back at my school this semester, but I don’t want to dwell on it and make everything worse.  In a nutshell:

  • my ED days began here.  I haven’t lived a day here without those rampant thoughts racing through my mind.  Restricting me from eating, from going out with friends, and from living.  Being around so many people the same age draws me into the comparison trap like no other, making these thoughts worse and worse and worse and worse…
  • I lost most of my friends over the course of last year because of that.  I isolated myself, and I’m paying the steep price right now.  Making new friends ain’t the easiest thing for this girl, but I’m hoping that everything falls into place this semester.
  • discomfort.  Have you ever been to a place where you just don’t feel comfortable or you don’t fit in?  I just happened to make that place my school.  Last year it was a daily struggle to get my butt out the door and go to class and live in this city.
  • being away from my family.  I’m a family girl, nough said.

In the past, all I could think of was how much I hated it here.  Because that’s *what I thought about all day long* I was miserable and lonely.  Yesterday I could have sat around and thought about how much I hated it and how I didn’t want to be back.  Instead, I tried to get excited about a fresh start and the positives about being back.  And what a difference it makes!

[I completed one of my August goals – going out of my comfort zone.  A year away from going out made me miss it and I’m so glad I decided to skip my early bedtime in my comfort zone and go out with my roomie.  This even included having [another] bowl of cereal late at night and not eating “on schedule”.  Vick.tor.ee.]

My point is, spending all day thinking that I’m fat is going to make me feel fat, lose confidence, and hate life.  Spending all day thinking about how I hate it here will bring me back to that place of misery and loneliness.  Spending all day fretting about working out will make me a crazy woman and no fun to be around.  If I think about love, friends, progress, family, God all day, then that’s who I’m going to be.  That’s what my life will be about.  That’s what it should be about.

I didn’t make it to the grocery store yesterday, so I’m living on slim pickens.  Here are picchas of my (unfinished) room:

Balcony - FAVORITE thing ever! Hello blogging and coffee while watching the sunrise

I mean, if there aren’t any other positives, atleast I’m living in a house…a place where I can call home!

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The only foodie pic I’ve gotten so far – due to my friends’ lack of knowledge about my blog – was the most perfect breakfast besides a cookie dough oatmeal smoothie.

Protein pancakes a la Gina!  I subbed a flax egg for a real egg, and 2 Tbsp quick oats for flour and they turned out surprisingly huge well.

I’m heading back home for the night for a funeral, my brother’s first cross country meet, and a baking class.  Thankfully I don’t have to conquer my fear of the rec center yet.  Have a SUPERFANTASTIC Friday and a beautiful, restful weekend!

Do you have a quote that you live by?
What are you looking forward to over the next few months?

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Filed under Blogging, College, Daily Eats, ED thoughs, Life

We can’t all be Adam Richman

The best way to refuel:

Maybe not the right way, but the best way.  But it gave me a major stomachache, which can only mean one thing: I need to eat more froyo so my body can get used to the copious amounts of sugar.

The right way to refuel:

Sitting on the porch with a blackberry/banana/vanilla smoothie bowl, the sound of the ocean rushing pool water, and my Bible.

Exercise in my life used to be a way to burn all of the calories that I put into my body.  In a nutshell, refueling was out of the question.  Now that I know how important it is for my body’s repair and restoration, I almost fear not refueling properly.

So it drives me a little cray cray when my dad-who runs marathons-comes home after a run to refuel with one Poptart.  Okay, first off, even looking at that silver wrapper makes me want to gag. In order to “lose weight” he believes that ONLY the amount of calories he puts into his body matters.  According to him, as long as you stay under the calorie ceiling, you’ll lose weight. Even if that means eating one 1500 calorie burger for an entire day.

Adam Richman - Foodie idol right thur

Instead of eating balanced meals every few hours, he eats not-so-healthy foods in small amounts to restrict calories.  I feel like I’m looking in a mirror sometimes-he is adapting the same habits that I had during my worst days.

How do you convince a 50-year old man who thinks he knows everything that that is the wrong way to refuel and the wrong way to treat his body? And is that even my place to say anything?  After all, I’m not a registered dietician of any sorts.  Everything I know is based off of what works for my body.  Any time I try to encourage a healthier food relationship, it escalates into an argument.

None of my family members have overly good eating habits yet if I try to encourage healthier eating, smarter grocery shopping, an active lifestyle, it seems to have the opposite effect.  I want to have a career encouraging kids to eat healthier and be more active, however that will look.  But if I can’t even convince my own family of the benefits and the energy a healthy lifestyle can bring, how in the world could I convince kids I don’t even know to do such a thing?

I know how stubborn I was back in the day about food, where nothing anyone said could change my mind.  I was stuck in my ways and any lectures went in one ear and out the other.  I don’t want my family to be another statistic in the rising epidemics of obesity, diabetes, cancer, etc.  Yet stubbornness seems to be the main obstacle.

Forcing a healthier lifestyle is impossible.  A person has to desire that to make the necessary changes in his or her own life.  So how do you encourage that when there is no desire?  

QuestionDo any of your family members live an unhealthy lifestyle in terms of food or exercise?
What is the best way to encourage healthier food habits without shoving it down someone’s throat? 

 

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Filed under Daily Eats, ED thoughs

While I’m waiting

I’m not completely done with the process of recovery, but the past eight months have been a steady incline out of that dark world.  I’ve said before that God deserves all of the credit for pulling me out of the messy life I made for myself; I’ll stick to that belief til the day that I die.

As I gained back my sanity and my personality, friends/a boyfriend/adventure/change were on my mind and I was ready to get back in the saddle of life.  I understood why I didn’t have all of that during the first steps of my recovery-it wasn’t something I could handle and I wasn’t ready emotionally.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still plenty of bad days.  Fat days.  I’m 100% positive their reoccurrence will diminish over the years to come but they do still come with a vengeance.  For the most part though, I’m better.  (I hope I don’t jinx myself by saying that.)  No more restriction lists.  No more guilt 24/7.  No more saying no to food that I didn’t prepare.

Now that I’m at that place, I’ve kinda been like HEY GOD I’M READY. Bring on the friends! Bring on the boy! Bring on the travel and the study abroad opportunities!  I have felt ready to handle all of that for about a month now, yet here I am still waiting for all of that to magically appear.  I’ve already wasted two years, why should I have to wait any longer?

And then I read this this morning – Wastelands

There are dry, fruitless, lonely places in each of our lives, where we seem to travel alone, sometimes feeling as though we must surely have lost the way. What am I doing here? How did this happen? Lord, get me out of this!

He does not get us out. Not when we ask for it, at any rate, because it was He all along who brought us to this place. He has been here before–it is no wilderness to Him, and He walks with us. There are things to be seen and learned in these apparent wastelands which cannot be seen and learned in the “city”–in places of comfort, convenience, and company.

God does not intend to make it no wasteland. He intends rather to keep us–to hold us with his strength, to sustain us with his sure words–in a place where there is nothing else we can count on.

“God did not guide them by the road towards the Philistines, although that was the shortest…God made them go round by way of the wilderness towards the Red Sea” (Ex 13:17,18 NEB).

Imagine what Israel and all of us who worship Israel’s God would have missed if they had gone by the short route–the thrilling story of the deliverance from Egypt’s chariots when the sea was rolled back. Let’s not ask for shortcuts. Let’s keep alert for the wonders our Guide will show us in the wilderness.

-Elisabeth Elliot (found here)

It was a beautiful reminder that the past two years wasn’t a waste and this waiting period doesn’t have to be wasted either.  I didn’t come out of it learning nothing-it changed me as a person for the better.  Yes it took longer than I would’ve liked to get out of that darkness, but it did happen. Does it make it easier to keep on waiting around for my wish list to happen? Nope. But it does make waiting easier because I know my life and my joy is in the hands of an awesome God who loves me and has my best interests at heart.

Just some food for thought:

Plain greek with Kashi, honey, golden raisins

Sweet potato with maple syrup & flax, fresh corn off the cob, steamed broccoli with mustard

Late-night baked apple pie oatmeal, with a side of peanut butter jar just in case

This morning's pre-workout breakfeast - Kashi, Fiber One golden squares, raisins, protein powder, flax, almond milk!

PS my first homemade nut butter!

Question:  Ever felt like you’ve had to wait *too long* for something good to happen?
What was the best part of your weekend! 

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“It is strange that the years teach us patience; that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting.” – Elizabeth Taylor

 

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Filed under Daily Eats, ED thoughs

If I’d known then,

“When I was a kid…” I swear my dad uses this phrase atleast 8 times a day.  Even I find myself using it around my brother and sister and I’m only 20.  In all honesty, I often think back over the past 8 or so years since I graduated from being a kid into the tumultuous teenage years, and wish I had known then what I know now about life.

And then I found this book laying on my momma’s night stand, fancy that. And I’m already half-obsessed with Letters To My Younger Self.  It’s only more proof that I’m a 70-year old stuck in a 20-year old’s body.

“God sometimes removes a person from your life for protection.  Don’t run after them.” -Rick Warren

This has been the second biggest struggle apart from an ED over the past two years.  Watching most of my “best friends forever” walk out of my life by choice  has been nothing short of hard. There are certain people who I was convinced I needed in my life because we had fun together and I trusted them, and was always questioning God: WHY DO YOU TAKE THESE PEOPLE AWAY FROM ME.  Never being close with my family, I relied on my closest friends.  I chased and chased and chased and chased and chased and felt like a desperate little school girl with a crush to no avail.  Now, it’s easier (not easy though) to let go and trust God that he has my best interests in mind-even when it comes to people.  I wish I had known that people come and go, and it’s all part of God’s hugggeeee plan-not part of my control.

“Some parts of life have to be messy before they can become beautiful.” Natasha Bedingfield

Yes, this is my grandma getting married at age 72. Beauty comes after messy, always.

It goes without saying that this describes the past year of hell.  My life was a mess-no friends, depression, no healthy relationship with food, loneliness, constant mind games, no love or laughter. I would never believe that good could come from all of that; that I would see beauty again.  Guess what though! I do!  (Almost) every day I notice little things that bring so much light to my life.  I laugh again, which is a verb I forgot the meaning of for a while.  I feel love for my friends and family again, and I feel things emotionally.  I’m no longer a brick wall with no heart. God has been working out some beautiful things in my life recently and I. Am. Loving. It.  I wish I had known that a messy life wasn’t the end-all. There’s more to the story than that.

“The only thing keeping you from you want most is yourself. There is more to life than wanting to be accepted and having it all figured out.”-Kristin Brown

Shy and insecure are two words I tacked onto my name for a long time.  Alot of things have flown out of my peripheral because I was too scared to take a chance and didn’t believe that I was good enough YET to accomplish them.  For example, running in college.  I know I’ve touched on my fears before, but I was too scared that I wasn’t fast enough.  I told myself that one day I’d have everything together and then be able to aim for making the team. What else have I kept myself from? Oh just about everything!  Fun, food, friends, travel, experience, college, adventure.  After blaming others for my problems, I wish I had known that I was the roadblock in my own life. 

“Laughter is mandatory.” – Julie Foudy

It really should be a law. Don’t forget to laugh today!

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What’s one thing you wish you had known back in the day?

 

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Filed under Blogging, ED thoughs