While I’m waiting

I’m not completely done with the process of recovery, but the past eight months have been a steady incline out of that dark world.  I’ve said before that God deserves all of the credit for pulling me out of the messy life I made for myself; I’ll stick to that belief til the day that I die.

As I gained back my sanity and my personality, friends/a boyfriend/adventure/change were on my mind and I was ready to get back in the saddle of life.  I understood why I didn’t have all of that during the first steps of my recovery-it wasn’t something I could handle and I wasn’t ready emotionally.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still plenty of bad days.  Fat days.  I’m 100% positive their reoccurrence will diminish over the years to come but they do still come with a vengeance.  For the most part though, I’m better.  (I hope I don’t jinx myself by saying that.)  No more restriction lists.  No more guilt 24/7.  No more saying no to food that I didn’t prepare.

Now that I’m at that place, I’ve kinda been like HEY GOD I’M READY. Bring on the friends! Bring on the boy! Bring on the travel and the study abroad opportunities!  I have felt ready to handle all of that for about a month now, yet here I am still waiting for all of that to magically appear.  I’ve already wasted two years, why should I have to wait any longer?

And then I read this this morning – Wastelands

There are dry, fruitless, lonely places in each of our lives, where we seem to travel alone, sometimes feeling as though we must surely have lost the way. What am I doing here? How did this happen? Lord, get me out of this!

He does not get us out. Not when we ask for it, at any rate, because it was He all along who brought us to this place. He has been here before–it is no wilderness to Him, and He walks with us. There are things to be seen and learned in these apparent wastelands which cannot be seen and learned in the “city”–in places of comfort, convenience, and company.

God does not intend to make it no wasteland. He intends rather to keep us–to hold us with his strength, to sustain us with his sure words–in a place where there is nothing else we can count on.

“God did not guide them by the road towards the Philistines, although that was the shortest…God made them go round by way of the wilderness towards the Red Sea” (Ex 13:17,18 NEB).

Imagine what Israel and all of us who worship Israel’s God would have missed if they had gone by the short route–the thrilling story of the deliverance from Egypt’s chariots when the sea was rolled back. Let’s not ask for shortcuts. Let’s keep alert for the wonders our Guide will show us in the wilderness.

-Elisabeth Elliot (found here)

It was a beautiful reminder that the past two years wasn’t a waste and this waiting period doesn’t have to be wasted either.  I didn’t come out of it learning nothing-it changed me as a person for the better.  Yes it took longer than I would’ve liked to get out of that darkness, but it did happen. Does it make it easier to keep on waiting around for my wish list to happen? Nope. But it does make waiting easier because I know my life and my joy is in the hands of an awesome God who loves me and has my best interests at heart.

Just some food for thought:

Plain greek with Kashi, honey, golden raisins

Sweet potato with maple syrup & flax, fresh corn off the cob, steamed broccoli with mustard

Late-night baked apple pie oatmeal, with a side of peanut butter jar just in case

This morning's pre-workout breakfeast - Kashi, Fiber One golden squares, raisins, protein powder, flax, almond milk!

PS my first homemade nut butter!

Question:  Ever felt like you’ve had to wait *too long* for something good to happen?
What was the best part of your weekend! 

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“It is strange that the years teach us patience; that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting.” – Elizabeth Taylor

 

It’s my party, I can eat if I want to

Basically, God is so good to me! I celebrated my birthday yesterday (kind of, if you count being at work for half the day a celebration) and I always get super nostalgic on birthdays.  I love looking back and seeing how things changed over the year and how God brought me from point A to point B.  I spent the morning at work, chilled at the hospital with my best friend, spent 3 hours at Best Buy trying to update our family’s cell phone plan, and had the largest. sushi. dinner. ever.  It was great, but these are reasons why the past year was even greater:

Healing. Recovery. A year ago today, I was stuck; completely sucked into the world of an eating disorder and every day was a struggle.  There was no light at the end of the tunnel in sight, and I honestly never thought I could recover. Thanks to God’s grace alone, and the help of a few special people, I can now say that I’m recovering.  Every day is a new step forward, even if it feels like a step back.  Health and happiness are my goals instead of starvation and bingeing.

The importance of family.  As I got sucked down the vortex of an ED life, I isolated myself and lost pretty much every single friend.  Friends that I would have done literally anything for. It was my fault, yet I blamed the world.  The good that came out of it?  I grew closer to my family.  It finally hit me that family are (most of the time) the people that will stand by you, stick up for you, and support you when the rest of the world doesn’t.

I discovered my passion for food, health, baking, and fitness.  It goes beyond wanting to be skinny, but it’s a lifestyle that I fell in love with because it allows me to enjoy life to the fullest.  In the future, I hope to pursue my desire to own a bakery and feed hungry children through it. Don’t ask me how, or when, but I feel like God places desires on our hearts that he wants us to pursue with everything we have.  After 20 years of searching, I think I’ve found mine.

Gifts aren’t my love language, but I did get some rockin’ ones.

Oh hallelujah sweet baby Jesus!  I hope it lives up to the hype and doesn’t disappoint.  Smoothies galore.

A birthday isn’t a birthday without circus animal cookies.  These things are only allowed in my pantry once a year because I inhale them like nobody’s business.  In fact, these are a make-it or break-it for me at froyo places.  If these white & pink babies aren’t a topping, screw the store!

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Hope you’ve had a wonderful weekend and are enjoying your Sunday!

Favorite birthday gift ever?

Home again, home again

My gosh how I’ve missed the blog world the past three days.  After a much needed break from home and the internet, I’m back and ready to get on track!  & I could not stay away from WordPress until the morning.

I’m so blessed to have such wonderful, fun, and don’t-take-life-for-granted grandparents.  SO fun.  I’m so blessed to have had five restful days off from work to enjoy the trip.  I’m so blessed because I finally got some real sleep (with no bathroom breaks, AMEN). 

Oh, and I’m so blessed with my body.  I didn’t get fat despite a ginormous lack of exercise.  I’ve got one faithful bod…remind me again why I don’t trust it more. 

 

 

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❤ off brand food

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What’s your favorite city to visit?!

 

 

 

 

Guilty until proven innocent

Howdy from Cheecargo!

Texas is brown.  I dislike Texas alot.  It’s such a treat to sit out on a porch and remember that there is such a color as green and it is possible for plants to be alive.  And I’m not sweating my booty off at 8:00 in the morning.

While I enjoy a lovely breakfast with different dishes 🙂  Ohhh the little things in life.  I brought my handy dandy snackpack *just in case* so I had some Kashi cereal that was ready to be devoured with fresh (already-pitted) strawbs and half a banana.

My aunt is an incredible baker, and has been one of my main inspirations in opening a bakery in the future.  These muffins are always freshly made when we come, because I’m obsessed to say the least.  They’re cinnamon banana, with a crumb topping which cannot be beaten by even the darkest of chocolates.

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Yesterday I said I was excited to get away from home and just relax with family without having to worry about work, school, blah blah blah.  Still, I brought along my snackpack (which is almost gone already) and some workout DVDs so I could still be active and would have no excuses to get out of it.

Welp, this morning I was just not feeling working out at all.  And you know where that left me?  In an extreme guilty state, fretting over what’s going to happen to my body by the end of the day if I don’t get in some sort of workout.  I contemplated skipping breakfast because I “couldn’t afford the calories” and I almost had a panic attack thinking about a second day off in a row.

Okay, I am on vacation people.  I’m not eating 8 Big Macs and 5 pounds of spaghetti in one sitting, so I probably won’t blow up like a whale overnight.  I came to relax and already I’m stressing out more than I was back at home.  Ach when does this end!

I said a quick prayer about it and surrendered my body and day to our freaking awesome God and was reminded that my body isn’t mine, and taking a few days off won’t hurt a thing.  It’ll actually probably help.  It will be challenging, but after surviving enjoying Italy without a real workout for 8 days, I know I can make it through four days.

Do you deal with exercise guilt? How do you overcome it?  Okay obviously there’s no hiding that I do, and usually instead of giving into the guilt, I challenge myself to take a few more days off than planned just to prove to my irrational mind that there is nothing wrong with resting!

 

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WiAW #2

I’ve been practicing being a good foodie and I now bring my camera everrrywheereeee and no food goes unpictured.  Let’s just jump right to the important stuff:

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[with some WIASunday & WIAMonday]

Too many bananas with peanut butter mixed with vanilla whey & cinnamon

Quinoa with salmon, veggies, goat cheese & LOTSSS of mustard. I'm addicted to the salt pool that mustard is.

No words describe my love for Kashi cereal bowls

Veggie soup with black beans & plain Fage; Asian-styled veggies

Yogurt bowls topped with every imaginable berry & quinoa cookies

Miso soup, get in my belly

Hello favorite meal on earth - Tuna & Avocado Roll

Apple Butter Granola - recipe lata this week!

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What’s the weirdest thing you ate this week?  I definitely got caught dipping steamed broccoli in spicy mustard at work, where everyone thought I was cray cray.

Favorite kind of sushi?  I can’t decide, it’s all good baby, it’s all good.

 

WIAW Noobie

So this be my first ever WIAW.  I successfully kept camera in hand as much as possible so I didn’t miss out on any foodies.

But first, I have to share the wondrous workout I did this morning.  Strength training leaves me feeling SO much better than doing cardio, and I fall harder for it every MWF that I do it.  I started with a HIIT on the cross trainer.

Elliptical HIIT #2
1:30 Resistance @ 4, Incline @ 10
:30  Resistance @ 15, Incline @ 10
1:30 Resistance @ 4, Incline @ 10
:30 Resistance @ 10 (sprint), Incline @ 10
Until you get to 20 minutes. 

Full Body Circuit

2 x 12:
leg press + bicep curls
pushups
squat with 3 pulses
lat pulldown

50 russian twists
30 jumping jacks
10 incline crunches
10 stability ball rollouts

2 x 12:
alternating lunges w/weights
chest press w/skullcrusher
plie squat with leg lift, holding med ball out
alternating cable row

50 russian twists
30 jumping jacks
10 side dips each side
10 stability ball rollouts

2 x 12:
wall squat with bicep curls
bent over row w/tricep kickback
hamstring curl machine
tricep pushdown

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Vanilla Latte Oats

Hot & sweaty oatmeal for a sweaty girl.  Usually I’m fungry and nearly eating grass on my way home from the gym, but today I channelled my inner patience and cooked these oats stovetop-the wait was worth the while.  1/3 cup oats with almond milk and water (more liquid = more oats) with 1 Tbsp instant coffee.  After cooked, I added half a scoop of protein powder, 1 Tbsp vanilla Chobani, topped with Chia seeds and White Chocolate Dreams PB.  Winnaa winna oatmeal dinna.

A mid-morning bike ride left me needing a mid-morning snackypoo:

Have I ever heard of an Envy apple? No.  But they were on sale, and not to mention the best flippin apple I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Lunch was sushi out with my momma.  If I could live in Japan, I would in a heartbeat.  Sushi every meal does not sound bad what. so. ever.

2 pieces of tuna - handroll with salmon, avocado, lettuce, and rice

A day off from work means a day on in the kitchen.  Besides the ever-famous Cafe Americano, Chai Tea Lattes top the charts for my coffee addiction.  I love bread, I love coffee chai, so why not combine the two?  Plus…I ran out of apple cake, so my only option was to make another loaf of sumthin sumthin.

Chai Tea Latte Bread

Apple Butter Granola

I have a granola tapeworm in my stomach.

CocoChoco Strawberry Smoothie

1/2 cup plain Fage, 3/4 cup unsweetened choc almond milk, 1 Tbsp dark cocoa powder, 1 cup strawburries, coconut extract, and stevia for sweetness.

The big snack of the day, dun dun dun…

I see cottage cheese messes all up in the bloggy world and I’ve honestly been too scared to try them.  Conquering my fear of mixing something sweet into cottage cheese was the best decision I’ve made.  I added some peanut butter au naturale and cinnamon, and LOVED THIS.

I ruined my dinner appetite, so I just had some grilled veggies and a fruit bowl, and nowwww about to go devour my last piece of apple cake.  Remind me to double the recipe next time.

Enjoy the noche! 

What’s the best cottage cheese mix-in?

Indian Food, What What???

Indian food is my lover.  Although I’d probably say that about every single genre of food.

When I saw a recipe that involved curry, sweet potatoes, and eggplants all in one, how could I resist?!

Five-Vegetable Curry
Adapted from EatingWell 

1 Tbsp EVOO
3 cloves garlic OR 1/2 tsp garlic powder
1 Tbsp fresh ginger, grated
1 jalapeno, seeded & chopped
1 tsp cumin
1/4 tsp turmeric
2 tsp sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup water
1 eggplant, cubed & unpeeled
12 oz potatoes, cubed
12 oz sweet potatoes, cubed
8 oz tomatoes, chopped OR 8 oz canned diced tomatoes
4 oz green beans, cut into 2-inch pieces
2 tsp curry powder

Once you start cooking, everything comes together quickly.  It’s the chopping and popping (green beans) that takes so gosh darn long.  Prep everything before turning up the heat.

Heat oil in a skillet until hot.  Add grated ginger and chopped garlic (if using garlic powder, do not add yet).  Add jalapeno, cumin, and turmeric.  WASH hands-jalapenos in the eyes is no bueno!

Add sugar, salt, and water.

Bring water to a boil, and add eggplant, potatoes, sweet potatoes, and tomatoes.  Reduce heat and simmer for 20 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes.

Add green beans and simmer 18 minutes more, or until vegetables are tender.

Mash potatoes and sweet potatoes to make a thicker sauce.  Stir in curry powder, and remove from heat.  Let sit atleast 20 minutes before serving (to allow the flavors to blend and absorb).

Is that real food?!

This was paired with an easy curried chicken for my fellow family members who can’t fathom eating eggplants or sweet potatoes.

Rub for chicken:
1 Tbsp curry powder
1/2 tsp black pepper
1/2 tsp salt
1/16 tsp cardamom (can omit)
1/8 tsp ground ginger (the powder)

I whipped up some green bean fries (totally not Indian food), and some brown rice cooked with fresh ginger and fresh mango.  Winnaaaaa fo shizzle.

Florence & Pisa

Upon arriving in Florence, I finally felt like I was in Italia.  Yeah, I ate like four pizzas, gallons of gelato, and saw the expected Rome sites.  But everyone spoke English, nothing felt authentic, and I felt like I was just in Europe, not Italy.

Florence is beautiful.  This is what Italy is supposed to look like, minus the tourists.

We took a train from Rome to Florence, and these biscotti cookies they served were most likely my favorite thing all week.  Packaged food is even better in Italy.

Acres and acres of gorgeous sunflowers

The train window was literally a window providing a glimpse of God’s creation.  No brown, dry land like Tejas!

Our favorite restaurant, we definitely went back for seconds

Fresh salad with the necessary mozzarella

Tuscan Wheat Grain Soup. A tomato-ey broth with barley (maybe?) and tons of fresh herbs and veggies. FANTASTIC forrealz

After roaming around and taking in the unique Italian culture, we headed out on a tour bus to Pisa to see none other than the Leaning Tower.

Isn't it a beaut?

We had originally planned to climb to the top, but it cost 30 euros and you only got 25 minutes to get to the top and back down.  I’m sorry but stairs aren’t my thing, and my family wasn’t feeling it.  Our view of the tower was only from the bottom, but what could be more awesome than that?

Gel-love-toe. Latte flavored. I want some now.

Trying fresh coconut for the first time!

Nothing gets classier than McDonald’s when you’re in Italy.  McDonald’s in different countries actually does offer different foods, and tries to adapt to the country it’s located in.  I ordered the “Caesar Salad” with grilled chicken and actually plowed through it like it was gourmet food.  The vegetables were fresh, there was mozzarella (really, this would never happen in the US), and I got a side of breadsticks instead of fries.  Oh, and their Caesar is really olive oil and vinegar.  I was a happy schoolgirl.

 

Hey Cookie Monster

I have been such a snack machine the past few days.  Sometimes I think they made the character The Cookie Monster (now the Carrot Monster or something not as fun anymore) just for me.

As a scheduler-and a strict one at that-I tend to eat at roughly the same times everyday.  One, because it’s something that hovered over me during my ED days and I can’t seem to get rid of that aspect of control.  Two, if I go too long without eating, I feel weak and trust me, I’m a diva when I’m hungry.

One of the best commercials ever made.

Some days I adhere to my schedule and I consider it a “good” day in terms of food.  Most days though, I stray.  I snack alot (especially when I’m at home for hours) on small things here and there, but I get to worrying that the calories add up.

I LOVE the blogging community.  Writing is a source of relief and healing for me, but reading other healthy-living blogs has been such a blessing in my life; just to know that other girls have gone through similar things when I thought I was the only one has provided enough healing in itself.

My favorite thing to read on a blog is the food!  Let’s face it…I freaking love food.  Even though food and I have had our ups and downs, ohmygosh I’m the posterchild for “living to eat” instead of “eating to live”.  Just like I compare myself to every other person in every other way, I realized today that I compare what I eat to other bloggers.  Not necessarily to lift myself up or shoot myself down, but just to know that I’m eating “enough” and the “right” stuff.

As I shoveled handfuls of cereal and whole-wheat Saltines in my mouth all morning as I unpacked our condo, all I could think of was “MAN other bloggers are NOT eating right now, they’re NOT eating as much as me, blah blah blah”.  Thankfully, it was a short spell and instead of beating myself up over it, I accepted it and moved on.  If I’m the blogger that eats the most, then I’m the blogger that eats the most!

It was such a good reminder to myself that I am my own person.  I have a different body with different needs, a different metabolism, a different setup than every single other person on the planet.  There’s absolutely no way-zero, zip, nada-that I’m going to stop reading food blogs because of that.  It’s just important to keep in mind your own needs.  And if you eat when nobody else is, or if you eat more than what is posted on another’s blog, who caresssss!?!?

Happiness cannot depend on our comparison to others’ food ventures.  We are all made uniquely and real talk, we aren’t in control of our stomachs.   😉

 

Day 2: Musei Vaticani

Oh you know what kicks a day off to a good start.  A good breakfast.

Plain Fage (2%!), a banana, and honey

I brought along instant oatmeal packets just in case, but ended up finding Fage yogurt at the grocery store and couldn’t resist.  I mentioned I surprised myself over and over on this trip when it came to food, and here is one time I punched those ED thoughts in the face and did what I wanted.  Any non-nonfat dairy product was appalling to me…until I had no choice and was forced to eat 2% yogurt on the trip.  In Europe, they’re not so concerned with “nonfat” and making things as healthy as possible like we stress over here, so nonfat yogurt wasn’t even an option.  I will never turn back now-the 2% is sooooo much creamier and yummy than the boring ol’ nonfat crap.

Day 2 was spent in Vatican City.  Even though it was only two train stops away from our hotel in downtown Rome, Vatican City is its own separate entity.  Even the feel of the “city” is different from that of Rome.

We had a tour group to meet up with, but arrived early in order to fuel up for our day-long tour of the premises.  There were a few things I insisted on trying while in Italy, and apart from PIZZA, CAPRESE was next on my list.  I mean, I could totally remake it at home, but that is so not the same.

Caprese is like the perfect meal to satisfy and fill your belly without being super heavy.  The tomatoes were a tad green, but I’m not complaining.  The basilmozzarellatomato combo can’t be beaten.  Plus I love saying Caprese in my new Italian accent.

The pope and all of that stuff has never been interesting to me at all, besides in the book Angels & Demons.  If only that book was real life.  Needless to say, I wasn’t overly excited to tour the place for 4 hours.  What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

We spent the tour walking around the Vatican Museum-and no, no popey pope sighting-St. Peter’s Square, the Sistene Chapel, and St. Peter’s Basilica.  Even though it means absolutely nada to me, it was still pretty and the architecture was beautiful!  I’m still so amazed that people were able to build and decorate so intricately without all of the technology we rely on today.

St. Peter's Basilica in the background

Pictures were not allowed in the Sistene Chapel.  I usually completely ignore that rule, but officers were surrounding the place ready to tackle any rule-breakers.  Maybe not, but disrespect ain’t on my moral list.  This is all the sista could get:

Inside St. Peter's Basilica

Overlooking St. Peter's Square

Dinner was an adventure in itself.  We stopped on our way back to the hotel at a small, local cafe.  Restaurant owners seriously have tha glam life!  They open for lunch hours, and then close again until around 6:30 or 7:00.  Naptime anyone?

This was my first experience with mussels and clams.  The mussels were fantastic-salty without being too salty, and not as slimy as I had anticipated.  The clams on the other hand, were not my faves.  Good thing I’m not picky, cause I ate every last creature hiding in those shells.  Oh, and lots of bread too.  Can’t forget the bread.

One day when the boss get hungry, guess who's gon' be on the plate

Day 2 was gelato-less.  This should not be allowed, but it happened.  I snacked on dark chocolate and sparkling water pretty much every night, because all of that walking really takes a toll on your blood sugar