Tag Archives: healing

Joy & Healing

Good morning friends!  How was the start to the weekend last night?!  Hope you were able to take some time off from school/work to relax and refresh.  I spent my night going to ring dunks and midnight yell [don’t ask] and am ready to get in some shopping today for my cardio 😉 as a reward for pwning my interviews yesterday.  I’m SO glad yall are all on the carb-overdose-before-bed train with me…and like some of you said, it does make me sleep harder and longer.  Win for everyone.

Speaking of carbs, breakfast was a simple bowl of cereal-Kashi Crunch, Multigrain Cheerios, cinnamon, flaxseed with coconut milk, with a side of strawberries [out of the container, no less]

So this topic doesn’t directly have to do with health and fitness, but I want to hear your thoughts!  It’s been on my heart all week, but I’ve been putting it off because of school and pure laziness.

Both my ED days and being in college has made me extremely selfish, as I’m sure many of you can relate.  It’s all about when I want to eat, when I want to go to bed/wake up, when I need to study, when I need to do this and do that.  If what I’m doing fits into your schedule, then great, we can hang out.  But if not then sucks to suck.  [It even bothers me how much I say “I” on the blog]

“When we live self-centered lives, we are denied the joy of delighting in others.”

As of right now, I would say that I’m 95% healed from an ED.  I thought it would be a walk in the park if I could just get over that hill, but what followed was severe depression and anxiety.  Which is still self-centered, focusing on my problems, my sadness, my lack of hope.

“Nobody should seek his own god, but the good of others.” – 1 Corinthians 10:24

Coming back to school, I was still at the bottom of all bottoms, and was ready to take on counseling and medicine so I could get back to ‘normal’ (whatever that is) and move forward.  I’m open about my faith on my blog because I know that God is the only reason I’m alive and thriving and healthy today.  I couldn’t have healed myself through my own power.  Yet things aren’t always bright and dandy in the faith area either.  It’s been a struggle to go to church on a weekly basis and to try to get involved in something Christian-oriented on campus because well, I just haven’t been feelin it.

But this is why God is so so cool. Every morning when I hesitantly open my bible, every sermon I’ve heard, comments from friends have all been directing me towards the same thing – focus on others. Not as a distraction from my own ‘problems’ but because there is serious joy to be found in being a shoulder for someone and praying over someone who needs it more than I do.

My focus is always down at myself, but when I lift my eyes and look at the people walking by me on campus, my roommates, strangers at the gym, I can see the hurt in their lives as well.  I can’t fix whatever they’re going through…I know that God can though.  Simply praying for other peoples’ hearts instead of my own has brought enough joy in and of itself.  It’s incredible how doing things for other people-even if it’s just asking how their day was or an unnoticed prayer-can make all the difference.

Every organization I’ve joined in college has been to further my social life and my resume.  So I dropped everything I was involved in the past two years and joined Global Justice-which is a small group of students who sincerely want to bring attention to social injustices around the world.  Talk about taking the focus off of myself.  I get so caught up in my little bubble of nothingness that I forget to notice hardships people face all over the world.  Taking the focus off of yourself brings healing, in whatever way you need to be healed.

If you need a little inspiration, I suggest you go here and read about the war going on in the Congo and the desire to bring kid soldiers out of that environment and into love, education, and healing.  It’s not about comparing problems with another person, it’s about feeling someone else’s hurt and realizing whatever you’re going through isn’t the end of the world. There is  joy to be found through being there for someone else.

[I’ll definitely be talking alot about Falling Whistles in the weeks to come.  I had never heard of it before last week, yet it’s been on my heart x294948 so be readdddaaayyyy.]

“But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?” -1 John 3:17

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Sorry for such a wordy and confusing post!  Enjoy your Saturday (especially if football is involved) and say a little prayer for a stranger today.  Be on the lookout for the joy that comes with that 😀

What organization or non-profit really tugs at your heart? For me, anything that supports oppressed kids makes me want to go adopt them all. 
What are your weekend plans?
Shopping, lots of studying, bonding with the roomie
Does shopping count as cardio?  
Yes it is.  Don’t tell me it isn’t.  

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Fear of Failure? NAH

Buenos dias!  I think I’m the only one who adores Monday mornings-it’s a fresh start to a fresh week, and I’m always feeling overly productive on Mondays.  We’ll see if that actually happens.  Ending the weekend with this bowl of heaven didn’t suck either.

Apple cake soaked in homemade coffee ice cream (1 cup unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk, 1 tsp instant coffee and 1 packed Stevia).  Perfection.

A toughie arm workout this morning called for a protein-packed breakfast.

Eggy Protein Pancake
Serves 1 
1 egg white
3 Tbsp almond milk
1 tsp cinnamon
1 Tbsp flaxseed
half scoop of protein powder
2 Tbsp oats
Mix together and cook like a pancake.  Add sweetener if needed, and top with peanut butter, chia seeds, and extra cinnamon.

**********

As school is slowly approaching, I feel myself subconsciously getting more and more stressed.  Not so much about the work load-been there, done that-but school is really coming to an endWhich means I have to figure something out to do with my life.

Until a few months ago, I had NO goals.  I’ve lived most of my life in fear of failure, so setting a goal only meant one thing: that there was a possibility of failing.  After discovering I have a serious infatuation with the kitchen, cooking, and donning an apron, I decided a career goal I wanted to pursue was opening a bakery.

Well, my degree has nothing to do with that.  And I’ll graduate with no money in the bank.  No biggie though, one day in the future I really hope to open a coffee shop and bakery where ministry can be set in motion and love can be spread through my passion for listening to people, and well…food.  [I also want to start a running & yoga club back at school (isn’t it crazy that we don’t have a running club?!), but I fear that nobody will show up and it’ll be a flop.]

But what to do after graduation?!  Find a lowly position as a recent grad with some huge company, working in a cubicle 9-5?  Grad school? Move overseas?  What to do, what to do…

I always feel so behind in comparison to everyone else (again, comparing in every possible area of life)-I’ve never had an internship, I’ve only had a few jobs, I’m not super involved in every academic club at school. Whatever. Overrated (I hope).

As the stress builds up, I feel much more out of control.  The first area of my life where I lose control is food.  Ironic because I had too tight of a control in the food area for so long.  I’ve felt SO great about my relationship with food lately.  I’m learning portion control, which helps in booting foods off of my restriction list. (Note: I’ve eaten a hefty dessert every night this week, something that was never allowed before.)  My fear is that I’ll lose all of the freedom that I’ve been given through God’s grace, and I’ll turn back to food for comfort and control.

It’s an active process to tune out those voices that tell us we’re not good enough and because of that, we can’t do anything.

Is it cocky to tell myself that I CAN DO IT?! I can open a bakery someday, no matter what sacrifices and failures stand in the way.  I can be a leader and attempt to start a running club, even if it doesn’t work out. I can remain in the freedom from eating disorders and begin to live the life I’ve wasted up to this point.  I can set a goal and, whether I achieve it or not, feel a victory or a loss, and keep on moving forward.  I can live a healthy life in the midst of stress and pray against the comfort of food.  Fear is a waste of time.

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”
Sven Erikkson

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Hey Cookie Monster

I have been such a snack machine the past few days.  Sometimes I think they made the character The Cookie Monster (now the Carrot Monster or something not as fun anymore) just for me.

As a scheduler-and a strict one at that-I tend to eat at roughly the same times everyday.  One, because it’s something that hovered over me during my ED days and I can’t seem to get rid of that aspect of control.  Two, if I go too long without eating, I feel weak and trust me, I’m a diva when I’m hungry.

One of the best commercials ever made.

Some days I adhere to my schedule and I consider it a “good” day in terms of food.  Most days though, I stray.  I snack alot (especially when I’m at home for hours) on small things here and there, but I get to worrying that the calories add up.

I LOVE the blogging community.  Writing is a source of relief and healing for me, but reading other healthy-living blogs has been such a blessing in my life; just to know that other girls have gone through similar things when I thought I was the only one has provided enough healing in itself.

My favorite thing to read on a blog is the food!  Let’s face it…I freaking love food.  Even though food and I have had our ups and downs, ohmygosh I’m the posterchild for “living to eat” instead of “eating to live”.  Just like I compare myself to every other person in every other way, I realized today that I compare what I eat to other bloggers.  Not necessarily to lift myself up or shoot myself down, but just to know that I’m eating “enough” and the “right” stuff.

As I shoveled handfuls of cereal and whole-wheat Saltines in my mouth all morning as I unpacked our condo, all I could think of was “MAN other bloggers are NOT eating right now, they’re NOT eating as much as me, blah blah blah”.  Thankfully, it was a short spell and instead of beating myself up over it, I accepted it and moved on.  If I’m the blogger that eats the most, then I’m the blogger that eats the most!

It was such a good reminder to myself that I am my own person.  I have a different body with different needs, a different metabolism, a different setup than every single other person on the planet.  There’s absolutely no way-zero, zip, nada-that I’m going to stop reading food blogs because of that.  It’s just important to keep in mind your own needs.  And if you eat when nobody else is, or if you eat more than what is posted on another’s blog, who caresssss!?!?

Happiness cannot depend on our comparison to others’ food ventures.  We are all made uniquely and real talk, we aren’t in control of our stomachs.   😉

 

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Crawling Outta That Hole

Why hello hello! Hope you’re feeling refreshed and alive this morning!

Can I just show you the delicious meal that I was privileged to eat last night?  Thanks to my parentals having a small partay, good food was a give-in and convinced me to stay home to nab some.

Homemade hot spinach & mozzarella dip with wheat thins, and some Cheddar Cheese pretzels.  I forgot how addicting wheat thins are.  I also forgot how much I love mozzarella, since I haven’t had any since returning from Italy.

A Black Bean burger with loads of mustard and onions, a side of Asian Cabbage Salad, and some fresh veggies smothered in ahem, the spinach dip.  That stuff was calling my name all night.

And a side of fresh, huge strawberries.  Why do strawberries taste so much better when someone else cuts them for you?!

You know ‘those days’ when all you want to do is crawl in a hole and naturally you revert back to old habits?  You know those triggers that usually make that happen?  Okay, yesterday was one of ‘those days’.  But there was no trigger.  I had a really good day overall, yet when dinnertime rolled around I was going crazy trying to restrict my food intake.  I ended up eating only half of everything on my plate because I felt like punishing myself.

Pre-party I was also looking forward to some fresh chocolate cake for dessert.  BUT when dessert time arrived, ummm I passed on the cake.  I’m still mad at myself, because I was craving it, and I knew it wouldn’t do anything to my body to have one slice.  Yet I chose to eat a bag of 100-cal kettle corn and a few pieces of dark chocolate instead.  I told myself I didn’t deserve the cake, and it would reverse the work I accomplished from my workout yesterday morning.

I don’t have any idea what made me go from feeling almost completely healed to falling back in that dark place again.  Of course it still happens every once in a while…I don’t know if I’ll ever be completely healed where my relationship with food will be perfect.  But I have experienced grace and healing.  I know what’s on the other side of the tunnel, so it becomes easier and easier to pick myself back up (or let God pick me back up actually) and keep on moving forward.  Dwelling over ‘The Return of the Old Habits’ isn’t going to heal me whatsoever, so my only option is to keep. looking. ahead.  Praying. Trusting. Recovering.

Today I’ve been given a new day, which is another chance to keep the recovery process going.  SO I treated myself to a summer smoothie and two-ya hear me-TWO Bamango Muffins.  Two muffins, oh my!? I thought the day would never come.  Punishment for that won’t be on my agenda today, because I want to work on my heart and who i am instead of my body.  YAY for a new mindset!

So thankful for Photobooth, otherwise breakfast pics would be few and far between

In the mix went half of a frozen banana, 8 frozen strawberries, half of a frozen mango, a scoop of Vanilla Whey Protein (finally found a kind I like!), cinnamon, 1/8 cup oats, 1/2 cup almond milk, and a dash of coconut extract.  Creamy, summery, and most importantly cold.

I owe two Italy recaps today…hopefully I can whip those out before a long day at work.  Blaaaahh.  Enjoy the Tuesday!

 

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Bye Scale!

The past four days I’ve been a crazy basketcase of emotions.  My days have consisted of laying on the couch, struggling to be OK to work, and barely eating.  When my stomach first started bothering me Thursday morning, I was excited.  I know how wrong that sounds, but the disordered thoughts side of me knew this was an “opportunity” to lose weight and not have to worry about food.  You can imagine how humbling it was to step on the scale this morning and see that my weight had increased.  I gained weight…seriously?!  Initially, my disordered thoughts came in full-force, beating myself up because I didn’t eat healthy enough; I shouldn’t have eaten that pizza and those Oreo’s; I should’ve gone on a walk.  But then I stepped back and forced myself to think rationally, like a normal person.  So what if I gained 2 pounds?  Weight fluctuates all the time, especially depending on the time of day you weigh yourself.  I’m probably storing a lot of water weight since I haven’t been sweating at all.  It could be due to a crazy amount of muscle gain from working out on the couch 😉 Okay maybe not.  But in the scheme of life, seriously what does a two pound difference make?  Not much I tell you.

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As I’ve shared before, a day off of running or working out was a day of hell for me.  Over the past 6 months, I weaned myself out of that thinking and was able to take a healthy, mindful day off once a week for rest and recuperation.  Four days off, on the other hand, was unheard of.  Guess what!  I just took four days off, and I’m alive and (somewhat) well!  Taking time off won’t kill me, it won’t make me fat, it won’t make me feel disgusting.  Despite some leftover minor stomach issues, my body feels so new and I have never craved a good workout like I am right now.

My body likes to move.  I can’t sit through an entire movie without getting up and moving, so laying down for four days straight was a toughie.  It was also humbling.  I realize now how much I take exercise and fitness for granted.  It’s crazy how I automatically assume that each day I’ll wake up and be able to go to the gym, when in reality that might not always be the case.  Luckily, my sickness is (hopefully) temporary and I’ll be back on my feet and treating my body right again; for some that’s not to their fortune.

I won’t lie-I still obsess over exercising.  Often I’ll find myself feeling very anxious over exercise, fearing I won’t “do enough” at the gym or I’ll miss a body part or something.  I don’t like being in a place where working out and eating comes before my other priorities-like God, my friends, and my family.  As easy as it is to hide that on the outside, on the inside I still struggle with this prioritization.  Since exercise hasn’t been a viable option for me the past week, it’s been a major wake-up call to redirect my attention to where it needs to be.  I might not always be able to work out my body how I want it to, so I need to stop relying on that to be my saving grace.

[source]

As hard as it’s been to do nothing while still eating (and not being able to “burn off” calories), it’s taught me a lot and reminded me of some truths I desperately needed to be reminded of.  A huge one: when my body is asking for rest, give it to it; I had to practice what I preach.  In my past, I would’ve been outside in the 100-degree heat running, in spite of my fever and my stomach bug.  This time around, I knew I needed rest to get better-not a run.

The scale scared me this morning, but the scale isn’t what I define my life by anymore.  I’m striving to not allow that beast to define my day, how I see myself, and my worth.  Friends, the scale isn’t a death sentence, and nothing it tells you is permanent.

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Fingers crossed, I’ll be going to the gym in a few hours.  It’ll be tough to find a balance between getting a workout without working too hard since I’m not feeling 100% yet.  My intentions aren’t to lose those two pounds or reshape a certain problem area.  I want to feel my heart pumping, I want to sweat, and I want to move!  Pray that it goes well and that my thoughts don’t sway over to the dark side.

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BTW-who else is SUPER excited for this to come out?  I definitely have my ticket for the premiere already.  Call me a nerd-I’m damn proud of it!

 

Pessimism becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The good news is — optimism does too. Since you’re free to choose, choose success and happiness. Choose optimism! — Author Unknown

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My Soul Will Be Satisfied

As you can see, I changed the name of my blog, and hopefully I’ll be changing alot about it too!  Like I’ve said a million times, I want to take it more seriously because I really am falling quickly in love with the blogging world.

Since my day yesterday consisted of laying down, napping, and eating only 2 bowls of cereal (oh, and froyo) I figured I should share the reason for the new name!  Bear with me, this is a long rant and don’t feel obligated to read 😉

[Note:  I’m not in any way trying to impress my religious beliefs on anyone.  I am only relating to you my experience with disordered eating and what worked for me.]

There is a love-hate relationship between food and I.  I grew up loving-and I mean loving-all kinds of food.  Lunchables and Dunkaroos didn’t satisfy my overly-mature palate.  My parents are to thank for this-they never wavered on forcing me to balance those kiddie junk foods with veggies and nutrient-packed meals.

In highschool, my love for food blossomed along with my appetite.  My nickname was “The Garbage Disposal“, and was given to me by guys.  (I was obviously competing in the big leagues.)  Running cross country kept me thin and I knew anything I ate I would just run it off.  I ate what I wanted when I wanted it.  No second thoughts; calories and trans fat weren’t words in my vocabulary.  I never understood why normal-sized girls would always complain about being “fat”.  Body image was (luckily) one of the things I never struggled with.  I still look back on those days and miss them.  Not so much because of what I ate, but because of how I ate.  No holding back, no restrictions; everything was game.

Due to certain events-mainly a breakup (lame? I know)-I slowly but surely stuck my foot in the door of the devastating and degrading world of body image.  If you’ve ever been there, you know how fast it sucks you in.  For the first time, I noticed my body.  My lovehandles were too flabby, my thighs were too big from running, I was too pale, my hair wasn’t the right color for me.  I had a tiny stomach pooch, my arms were too hairy, my teeth weren’t straight.  I just “knew” that if I hadn’t had all of these flaws, the guy would’ve stayed with me.  At the same time, going off to college and being separated from my friends and family meant change.  Nothing was in my control anymore.  So in my mind, the only option was to take control.  Some of the problems were obviously out of my control, but I figured my body-what I put in it and how I worked it-I could control.  Hence started the hate relationship with food.

I started to believe any food would pack on the pounds immediately, so the only way to get “skinny” was to stop eating.  In place of food, I subbed Diet Coke.  I’d go all day just drinking the fake, carbonated beverage and be sooo unbelievably dizzy and uncomfortable by the end of the day that I would get home at night and decide to have some food.  I’d get so mad at myself for eating crackers or cereal that I would “punish” myself by shoving anything and everything down my throat.  Like it was a sin to eat food at all.  I’d get beyond the point of satiation and immediately start dwelling over the food I just ate, counting the calories mentally.  I would “fix” this by running 6-10 miles the next morning…every single day.  Then the cycle would start all over again.

It became my little secret-something I had in the palm of my hand that was easily to control.  I started turning to food for comfort when I was lonely (and you know how lonely college can be), sad, or if I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror.  Over my first year in college, the days of not eating were replaced by days of binge-eating.  I’d follow up every single binge with a hardcore run.

And
it
was
miserable.
I hated myself-not okay.

Fast forward to my second year.  The hole I was digging for myself continued to grow, and it grew fast.  I tried counseling but it was to no avail.  I tried talking to friends and family and everyone told me it was “all in my head”, “no big deal”, a “lack of self-control”.  Not knowing anyone who was dealing with the same issues made me believe I was the only crazy one.  Self-control became my saving grace, and it was then that my “Restricted Food” list began.  No sweets, no fats, no meats (unless it was lean), no snack food, mostly fruits and veggies, no white grains.  Every day I was adding a list of “bad” foods.  What’s funny is that even though I had a tight reign on what I ate, my weight skyrocketed to the highest point it’s ever been.  I was miserable every single day, depressed, and surrounded my complete darkness.  I blew off friends, events, and fun to stick with my routine so I could be in control.  And then once I broke my routine with a binge, or ate something “bad” I’d hate myself even more.  I could only eat at certain times, which prevented me from going out with friends.  I had to get adequate sleep so I could wake up early enough for a long workout, which prevented fun nights out.  I  lost friend after friend because I was so irritable.

It wasn’t until God used a friend of mine to step in and bring me the hope I needed in the form of a website, what do you know!  A 60-day course online made me take a real look at my life and re-prioritize.  There was no magic diet or exercise prescribed.  It was simply taking my eyes and thoughts off of myself and refocusing them on Jesus.  It was realizing life is bigger and better than the tiny flaws I was consumed with.  It was learning to accept those flaws because of the end of the day, my body isn’t mine and I didn’t make it…I don’t get to form it.  It was realizing health is more important than what I look like.  It was healing.  It gave me what counseling and what people couldn’t provide me with.

“My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.” -Psalm 63:5

This has been my new saving grace.  I learned (and am still learning) to reestablish a love relationship with food.  I found a new passion for cooking and baking-which ironically means I’m around my self-prescribed list of “bad” foods alot.  My stomach thanks me after every delicious meal I present to it, but food isn’t and never will be, the comfort for my soul.  It doesn’t bring me the fulfillment and the peace I was seeking for so long.  Only Christ can do that.  As long as I’m eating, cooking, serving, and living for him, my soul will be satisfied.  Thanks to a renewed relationship and healthy outlook on exercise, my soles are satisfied too (ha, get it?).

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The journey continues.  There are good and bad days, and honestly sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be truly healed.  I long for a day when I can open the pantry door and just eat something without those thoughts racing through my head.  But even in the bad days, I know there is hope.  The blogging world has been a huge blessing to me as I read similar struggles and stories, when I once thought I was the only one.

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If you are struggling with disordered eating, thoughts, or exercise addiction, know that there is hope.  I’ve seen such healing in my life and I pray that you can find it too.  Seriously, check out the website!  Maybe it’ll be what you need, maybe not.  But there is healing to be found.  Don’t be afraid to talk to someone about it, because you’re not the only one!

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Confession

The past few days have been really rough when it comes to eating and living a balanced, healthy lifestyle.  I’ve been turning to food for comfort when I shouldn’t be, I find myself snacking alot, and the thoughts that controlled my life before are slowly creeping back into my mind.

Living at home again for the summer has been much more challenging than I previously thought.  I figured it would be an easy adjustment because my dad is also very into eating healthy and clean, yet there are baked goods left and right from my sister, snack foods have overtaken our pantry from my brother, and I can’t seem to choose healthier options over the junk food.

Also, being at work for 10-hour shifts on my feet makes convenient and filling food so much more appealing.  I started off bringing salads and other various healthy meals so I wouldn’t be tempted by the pizza store next door, but lately I’ve resorted to laziness and stopped packing meals for myself.  So, when I get hungry, I either indulge in pizza with my co-workers, or a muffin from the store.  I justify the not-so-healthy eating by telling myself that “I’ve been on my feet all day, so I’ve burned X amount of calories.”

Don’t get me wrong…there’s nothing wrong with eating pizza here and there.  There’s nothing wrong with snacking.  But for me personally, where I am at this point in my healing journey, it becomes all too easy to slip back into old habits.  I don’t want food to control my life again.  I don’t want to feel so out of control when I start to eat that I literally don’t have the strength to stop.  I don’t want food to be on my mind all hours of the day, planning out meals, and then beat myself up when I eat more than anticipated.  I don’t want to look in the mirror and see myself as humongous after eating a brownie.  I don’t want to start skipping meals after I eat “too much”.

For example, this morning I opted for having a cereal bowl for breakfast.  Cereal used to be a love-hate relationship for me.  I loved cereal, yet I couldn’t just have one bowl.  I could plow through a whole box in one sitting-it’s that addicting for me.  Once I got back on track and began healing, I cut cereal out of my life temporarily because I knew it had the potential to harm, rather than help, me.  Recently, I’ve been eating cereal on a daily basis for breakfast-it’s easy, refreshing, and most of all, it’s cold.  I summoned some crazy self-control within me and have been able to be filled by just one bowl.  This morning on the other hand, I ran back for seconds.  Although it doesn’t seem like a big deal, it is for me, simply because I know it’s one more thing that can easily cause me to stumble back into having no self-control.

I want to find balance in my life again.  Having such disordered eating and a long, unhealthy relationship with food is tiring.  What I long for is to be normal.  I envy the people that eat when they’re hungry and stop when they’re not, without a second thought.  I want to be able to enjoy meals, desserts, snacks, whatever, with friends and family and not let the nutritional information even cross my mind.  I want to be able to say no to food when I know I don’t want or need it.  I don’t want to focus on achieving the “perfect” body anymore through exercise and food; those are things that I’ve abused over and over again, and I want to use them instead to achieve a healthy lifestyle.  Not a perfect healthy lifestyle, but a balanced one.  One where I can eat a brownie (or 2 or 3) and not worry about how I’ll burn it off because all of the veggies I consume balance it out.  I want to be able to slip up and move on, instead of dwelling on it.

What I’ve noticed lately is that I stopped relying on God to help me and to give me the strength I need to pursue health in the face of our convenience culture.  I gave myself all of the credit for overcoming an eating disorder, when really God is the only reason that I’m alive and sane today.  I became extremely prideful in “eating healthy” and surreptitiously rubbed it in my friends’ and family’s faces.  More than anything, pride took over me when I looked in the mirror.  I saw the (few) pounds I didn’t want drop off and I finally had “that” body that I wanted, and I became so vain about it.  I need to start trusting the Lord to reveal truth to me about who I am and not what I look like.

Although I haven’t fallen back completely, I was on the cliff about to jump.  Thankfully, my eyes have been opened to where I was headed and I’m determined to pursue an overall healthy lifestyle today.  And then I’ll do the same thing tomorrow, and the next day…one day at a time.  The point of this blog was for me to record my eats and my workouts so I could hold myself accountable-whether someone reads it or not.  I plan to use this as a tool to help me out, but not to be my saving grace.

These next few days are crucial in the process, and I’ll be doing my best (in the midst of work days) to eat healthy, but also to treat myself, and to find a balance in exercise again.  Because of that, I’m taking today completely off, even though my mind is criticizing me because of all the food I ate yesterday that I should be “burning off”.   I’m excited to trust God and see how he moves!

Sorry about my rant, and I’ll be back late tonight with an update!

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